They always say that if you stop looking for something, you’ll find it.
Lost your keys? Stop looking for them and, all of sudden, there they’ll be, right where you always leave them. (or, in my case, a couple of weeks ago, in the fridge)
Need a perfect pair of shoes to go with that perfect dress for that perfect occassion? Don’t go out shopping for them, you’ll never find them. Instead, when rushing back to the office one day after a long lunch break, 5 minutes late for that mega important meeting, there they’ll be, sitting in the window to that shop you always pass, calling you.
Want a boyfriend? Reject the idea of having a man completely and slowly settle into a single life of fun and frolics et voila! There he will appear, the man of your dreams.
If you read any of the myriad of self-help books there are on the market – pumped out by American “gurus” who seemingly think that flogging one idea to death and writing 1,000 pages based on one premise is the epitome of literature – you will see that acting unobtainable is the sure-fire way to get the man you want.
The doyenne of the “get the man you want (who isn’t neccesarily the man you deserve but dammit, good looks trump personality, stability, trustworthiness etc, don’t they? And you do want to get married, don’t you? You don’t want to be a failure FOREVER, do you?)” books is The Rules.
Based on a 1950s style of courtship, it’s full of gems such as
Take care of yourself, take a bubble bath and build up your soul with positive slogans like “I am a beautiful woman. I am enough.”
and
The Rules helped me re-establish myself as a priority in my own life, and consequently, I found a man who makes me a priority in his!
Their website goes on to claim that Kate Middleton managed to nab William by following The Rules (and, as much as I’m a bit “meh” over Kate/Catherine, I can hardly believe that a sensible woman like her would stoop so low). A couple of the Rules quoted (explanation my own except where in quotations):
- Don’t talk to a man first – you should let him approach you. Otherwise, how do you know if he finds you alluring or is just being polite?
- Don’t stare at men – let men look at you. (this one, I don’t get. What am I supposed to do in return? Stare at the floor? Not make eye contact? What?)
- Don’t tell him what to do – “If you don’t like a guy’s behaviour, just act like you don’t need him. Get busy and he’ll come after you” Be distant and aloof.
- Don’t meet him halfway – in fact, don’t give an inch, make him do all the running, all the compromising etc Make yourself a challenge to be around.
Apparently, according to the authors, if you follow their 33 rules to the letter, you can “expect a proposal in 2 years”.
Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it’s been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You’ve already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?
What self-repecting woman wouldn’t want that? <sarcasmfont>* And, if you’re not convinced you can do it on your own, why don’t get a consultation? All yours for $300! In the meantime, of course, you’ll have lost all your friends, your self respect and will have been a complete bitch to the man you’re looking to hook. A great start to any marriage, no doubt.
However, for all its sexism and archaic methodology, and as much as I hate to admit it, there is a glimmer of truth to The Rules.
There is something intrinsically seductive about something you know you can’t, or shouldn’t, have.**
A friend of mine recently announced that he would start looking for a girlfriend in 2012 – you know, to give himself a year of singledom since the last girlfriend before settling down again. (I admit, I rolled my eyes at this. If only it were so easy. If only you could just decide when you were going to find someone to be with. Plus, the fact that there’s an apparent time limit on how long it takes to get over someone?) Anyway, not the point…
The point is, what really annoyed me about his statement was the fact that it made him seem all the more attractive. The fact that I knew he wasn’t looking for anything means my interest was piqued and I was ready to play. And, worse than that, I don’t even really fancy the man – he’d be an awful boyfriend and has far too much baggage to play with. But that, sadly, is incidental.
So where does that leave women like me?
I’m in a weird damned if I do, damned if I don’t situation.
If I admit that, actually, I’d quite like to have someone in my life, then that automatically repels all men within 5 miles (if my physique and personality haven’t already done their job, of course) and so I’m alone.
If I then decide that, sod it, I don’t need a man, I am woman, hear me roar etc then, at the back of mind, I’m aware that for some reason, this makes me more attractive. And so I’m back to hoping it will work and that I’ll have someone in my life. It’s a never ending cycle.
So basically, I’m screwed.
Just not, sadly, literally.
What about you ladies? Do you follow The Rules? And you chaps, what do you think on the acting like a bitch to get the man school of thought?
* hey,as it’s been discussed before, I’m all for marriage, and I kind of get their point that you should waste time on something that’s not going to happen. I just don’t think that you can make a woman feel like a failure because it doesn’t happen to be on her list of things she wants. To me, these kind of books make assumptions about a person if they don’t happen to subscribe to the same ethos.
** a subject I’ve written about before, at length.
