Category Archives: lovely men

Back in the saddle

Oof. It’s been a while.

Last time I posted I was gainfully employed (albeit, on my way out), I was just about to leave for Africa, and I was in a little confusion about the state of my relationship-that-isn’t-really-a-relationship-because-I’m-going-to-Africa-and-I-don’t-know-what-I-want thing.

It’s been a while.

What’s changed?

Work:

Having moved on from Big Corporation, I now have a new boss. She can be a bit moody and sometimes she just doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. So far, I haven’t even been paid! (and yes, this is a stupid way of saying I’m now self-employed)

Joking aside, I’m rather enjoying the ability to make my own decisions, the discipline of having to stick to a meagre budget, the freedom of being able to meet friends for lunch or coffee, the pride of Getting Things Done.

Life:

I went to Africa. I survived Africa. I had my once-in-a-lifetime experience that I never have to repeat. I met some amazing people. I met some not-so-amazing people. I did things I never thought I would ever in a million years do even if you paid me (and, in fact, paid to do it)*. It was an experience. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I’m glad I did it. I needed to do it. I won’t do it again.

And my God, I’m so glad to be home again.

Love: 

So that guy? Yeah, I’m still with him. Despite the fact we both decided that we weren’t going to wait for each other while I was away we… did. And yes, it was odd, seeing him again after 4 months apart. And yes, it was a little awkward at first. But that was at first.

He continually surprises me with his thoughtfulness and kindness, his ability to take situations in his stride that would have me completely freaking out, his relaxed attitude to everything I deign to throw at him (be it a day out with Fursty Ferret to a couple of days with the parents – yes, that happened).

We’re taking it as it comes, I think. Seeing what happens. Enjoying each other’s company and all those other cliches. Let’s see what happens.

And so there you have it. My updated life in fewer than 500 words. Much like I’m targeting 5 meetings a week for work, I should try and give myself a blogging target. After all, this blog is the only place I get to rant to my heart’s content in relative anonymity.

I’m on the case. I’m getting back in the saddle.

* for the very curious, I went skydiving in Namibia. I’m not sure why I said yes. It was absolutely petrifying. The poor chap I was strapped to was completely deaf by the time he got me on the ground. 

 

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Settling – the follow up

I’m not good at having “the chat”. It freaks me out a little. It means that I have to be open with my emotions – something I’ve always struggled with. But I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I needed to be open and honest and fair. To both of us.

“I wanted to talk to you about this and what’s happening and what you see happening” I faltered. (Strong start)

He looked at me. I looked down.

“It’s just, when I go away, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Going away. I want to be completely selfish and not think about anyone but what I want to do. I don’t want to have to think about someone back here. I don’t want someone waiting for me.”

I’m not used to having “the chat” with someone so mature, understanding and rational. I’m not used to the lack of histrionics or confusion or general sense of uninterest that I got from ex boyfriends. (I’m guessing this is his Swiss-ness).

He knew from our first date that I was leaving. He has his own baggage to deal with. He understands my need to escape. He wishes he could do the same.

And since “the chat” what’s happened? We’ve seen each other more and more. And I’m realising how kind and considerate he is. I’m realising how silly he is and how he makes me laugh. I’m realising how affectionate he is. I’m realising that he makes me happy. I’m realising that I want my friends to meet him.

And so that, I suppose is that. Is he my boyfriend? Yes, I suppose he is. What will happen when I leave? I have no idea. What will happen when I come back? I have no idea.

Am I settling? I have no idea.

Am I enjoying myself? Yes.

 

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