Category Archives: how i’m feeling

You can say that again

6 years ago today, I wrote a blog post about how happy I was feeling. It’s funny how life moves on and yet is so incredibly cyclical.

Then: “I have great friends”
Now: I have great friends. 

And I really do. The wonderful thing about my circle of friends is that they’re not really a circle – they’re some form of mathematical object that has lots of lines and intersections and overlaps. I have friends from all walks of life in a myriad of different countries. Each of them have memories with me that others don’t.

Some are rugby pals. Some are work colleagues. Some I met from twitter. Some from blogging. Some are old Uni pals. Some I feel I’ve always known. Some I’m just getting to know.

They all know my faults (of which there are many) and, for the most part, they gloss over them and see them as just another part of me. I love that about them. And yes, as before, I know where I can turn.

Then: “I’m starting to get a semblance of a social life back.”
Now: I need to cut back on my social life.

After I broke up with N, I found it very difficult to get back into the swing of things. Slowly I started throwing myself back into ‘getting out there’. When I moved to Switzerland, I was determined to make the most of my new life.

Now I’ve been here for nearly 6 years (I know!) and life has changed once more. My social life has changed. Instead of going out to 5 in the morning every weekend, I prefer spending my time with close friends drinking wine and talking about the world. I prefer going for a coffee and having a catch up. I prefer exploring the world.

There’s more to life than endless tequila shots and clubs after all! I wish someone had told 22 year old me that.

Then: “I have some money. Not a lot, not enough, but some.”
Now: I have no money. But it doesn’t matter.

One of the massive changes in the last 6 years is the money situation. I’m lucky enough to be in a position where I don’t owe any money and I have a little saved by. Granted, all the money I do have is being ploughed into the new business but, while this is an incredibly scary step for me, it’s exhilarating and brave (I’m allowed to call myself brave, right?) and such a fantastic adventure that I wake up every day excited for what the day will bring.

Then: “I love the freedom that living on my own brings me.”
Now: I’m still on my own. And thank god.

“I love your house,” she said, “it’s so cosy and homely. It’s so you.” One of the biggest compliments I can get is my friends telling me they enjoy being in my home. I love being the hostess. Whereas before, my house used to be my refuge to get away from the world, it’s now open to the world and whoever wants to be here. I love that.

Then: “I have fun crushes.”
Now: I have one fun crush.

…and he makes me very happy.

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You’ve heard of being hangry, haven’t you? That devilish occurrence of hunger making you angry and irritable?

Well I’m FRangry. Frustrated and angry.

“Why?” you ask. Hang on to your hats, dear readers, and I will explain (read: rant)

I have 12 days left in this job. 12 days before I get to walk out of this behemoth of an office and not have to come back unless it’s under my own terms. (For the avoidance of doubt, my own terms include lunch with former colleagues, in my capacity as a consultant, or to do photocopying – ok, maybe not the last one). 12 days.

Bearing that in mind, you’d think that my current emotions would be oscillating between ecstatic and oh-my-god thrilled.

Not the case.

I’m bored, angry, frustrated, jaded, cynical, bitchy, depressed. I have nothing to do, and no desire to find myself work to do (12 days people!) and so I sit here day in, day out, getting bored. Boredom leads to anger and frustration. Why wouldn’t someone give me some work to do! Do I have to put up with 12 days of this? This, in turn, leads to cynicism and a jaded outlook on my colleagues and the work I’ve spent the last 8 years doing. Well obviously they’re not giving me anything to do. I only have 12 days left here. It’s not like they need to get me to do a handover or anything, they don’t think the job I’ve been doing needs one. But maybe I should do a handover anyway? Naaa, why bother, they won’t use it. It’ll just sit somewhere, gathering metaphorical dust.

This attitude leads me to bitchiness. I pick at everything around me. I refuse to be enthusiastic about projects, about my colleague’s work. I sit, sulking at my desk. And that leads me feel depressed. I berate myself constantly for not being me. For not knuckling down and getting on with things. For  being so lazy. For slacking off. For not.

And it’s a perpetual spiral of frangriness.

And I’m fed up of it.

12 more days.



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