Category Archives: happy happy joy joy

Back in the saddle

Oof. It’s been a while.

Last time I posted I was gainfully employed (albeit, on my way out), I was just about to leave for Africa, and I was in a little confusion about the state of my relationship-that-isn’t-really-a-relationship-because-I’m-going-to-Africa-and-I-don’t-know-what-I-want thing.

It’s been a while.

What’s changed?

Work:

Having moved on from Big Corporation, I now have a new boss. She can be a bit moody and sometimes she just doesn’t seem to know what she’s doing. So far, I haven’t even been paid! (and yes, this is a stupid way of saying I’m now self-employed)

Joking aside, I’m rather enjoying the ability to make my own decisions, the discipline of having to stick to a meagre budget, the freedom of being able to meet friends for lunch or coffee, the pride of Getting Things Done.

Life:

I went to Africa. I survived Africa. I had my once-in-a-lifetime experience that I never have to repeat. I met some amazing people. I met some not-so-amazing people. I did things I never thought I would ever in a million years do even if you paid me (and, in fact, paid to do it)*. It was an experience. It was nothing like I thought it would be. I’m glad I did it. I needed to do it. I won’t do it again.

And my God, I’m so glad to be home again.

Love: 

So that guy? Yeah, I’m still with him. Despite the fact we both decided that we weren’t going to wait for each other while I was away we… did. And yes, it was odd, seeing him again after 4 months apart. And yes, it was a little awkward at first. But that was at first.

He continually surprises me with his thoughtfulness and kindness, his ability to take situations in his stride that would have me completely freaking out, his relaxed attitude to everything I deign to throw at him (be it a day out with Fursty Ferret to a couple of days with the parents – yes, that happened).

We’re taking it as it comes, I think. Seeing what happens. Enjoying each other’s company and all those other cliches. Let’s see what happens.

And so there you have it. My updated life in fewer than 500 words. Much like I’m targeting 5 meetings a week for work, I should try and give myself a blogging target. After all, this blog is the only place I get to rant to my heart’s content in relative anonymity.

I’m on the case. I’m getting back in the saddle.

* for the very curious, I went skydiving in Namibia. I’m not sure why I said yes. It was absolutely petrifying. The poor chap I was strapped to was completely deaf by the time he got me on the ground. 

 

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Settling

“You’re settling”, he said (reminding me of this post from Jo, with good reason)

“You’re settling because he’s there and because there’s no reason not to settle.”

“You’re settling because you’re leaving (Read about it here! Sponsor me here!) and you know he likes you so it’s just easier for you to keep seeing him.”

Is he right? Am I settling? Am I stringing this guy along because I can. Because he’s there and because he doesn’t seem to mind.

“He’s an adult”, she said.

“Whose fault is it if he allows himself to get into these situations?”

“If he hasn’t clarified what you want, then he only has himself to blame.”

Is she right? Should he have taken the lead and put a name on this whatever-it-is? Or is that something I, also an adult, should do?

It started out so simply (as it always does). We “met” through some dating site, we talked on Whatsapp, we exchanged information, pictures (not that type! Dirty!) ideas on the world, anecdotes about our day. We fell out of touch.

And then I got bored. As I searched through my archived chats looking for someone to talk to, I came across him. I looked at the photos again.

“Did you ever fix your cupboard?” I asked.

On our first date, I was high on drugs. A week into a sinus infection and I had finally decided that a trip to the doctors was in order. I couldn’t talk properly, couldn’t hear out of one ear, and had that dazed look of someone who’s not quite sure where they are, sort of knows that they’re supposed to be there, but doesn’t know what they have to do. We kissed.

Our second date was at a place I’d never been to, in an area of the city I’d never explored. Our third date was a Sunday. We ate pizza at home and watched old Bond films. Our fourth date involved a bottle of wine and then a desire to do nothing. So we went and did nothing together. Our fifth date wasn’t really a date. It was late on Sunday, I’d just come back from a wedding, I was tired. He was coming back from work and popped in to say hi. He left on Monday morning after driving me to work. Our sixth date is tonight.

And I’m unsure. I can’t hide that I’m unsure. I’ve been unsure the whole way through. What am I unsure about though? I’m not sure about that either.

Do I like him? Do I just like the attention? Am I just using him? Could I imagine introducing him to my friends? Would I be embarrassed to be seen out with him? Should I break it off now before he gets more involved? Should I just let it peter out while I’m away? Am I just so thrilled that I’ve met someone kind, who likes me, and wants to spend time with me, that I’m letting it drift along? Is it my own insecurities (of which there are many, dear reader) that I’m projecting onto him?

I have so many questions and so few answers.

I do, however, know one thing (well a couple of things, actually).

1. Although I’ve wanted a relationship for a while, now is not the time for one. Now is about having a little time for myself outside of the stresses of work and routine. Now is about figuring out who I am. Now is about being a little selfish.

2. Tonight I have to be the adult and find out what it is he’s looking for. And I have to be clear on what I am looking for. If he wants to continue what we have with no expectations, fine. If he’s too invested and it’s not what he wants, also fine. But we need to have an answer.

And I have to be happy with the outcome. It’s too easy for me to settle. It’s what I’ve been doing in my job for the last 3 years. It’s what I did before I moved to Switzerland. And yes, it’s what I did with N. I settled.

Now is not the time to revisit old mistakes. Now is the time for new beginnings.

And possibilities.

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