… and I’m not sure how I find myself again.
Yesterday’s post was a replica of the email I sent some friends of mine yesterday. I know I’m not acting right, I know I’m not myself. I sent it to them neither for pity nor understanding. I sent it to them to give them warning. To let them know that for whatever reason, my mind isn’t working right now – that my brain wants to close up and go to sleep for a little while. To shut the world out. It’s screaming out to be left alone.
Now, the day after, I wish I’d never sent it. At least if I hadn’t tried to explain, they’d just slowly grow to hate me and resent this person I seem to have changed in to. They could put this new me as the permanent thing and move on, make other friends, relegate me to “that person they once knew”.
Instead, they write back, they sit me down for a chat. They tell me that they can tell I’ve been different and that, while they’re there for me, I should try and be careful around them. They don’t want to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Basically, they don’t want to feel the way I did around N.
And so, finally, the guilt has caught up with me. I don’t want my friends to feel the way I did when I was dealing with N. I want them to carry on being happy and awesome, only dealing with their problems. I want them to leave me alone until I’m done with whatever this stupid thing is. I don’t want their pity. I want to feel like myself.
Sometimes all I want to do is sleep and ignore the world for a bit. And I’m scared. I’m scared that when I read back on how I felt at that time of N, the descriptions of him, I see myself.
Fuck. Since when was I so alone?