… and I’m not sure how I find myself again.
Yesterday’s post was a replica of the email I sent some friends of mine yesterday. I know I’m not acting right, I know I’m not myself. I sent it to them neither for pity nor understanding. I sent it to them to give them warning. To let them know that for whatever reason, my mind isn’t working right now – that my brain wants to close up and go to sleep for a little while. To shut the world out. It’s screaming out to be left alone.
Now, the day after, I wish I’d never sent it. At least if I hadn’t tried to explain, they’d just slowly grow to hate me and resent this person I seem to have changed in to. They could put this new me as the permanent thing and move on, make other friends, relegate me to “that person they once knew”.
Instead, they write back, they sit me down for a chat. They tell me that they can tell I’ve been different and that, while they’re there for me, I should try and be careful around them. They don’t want to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around me. Basically, they don’t want to feel the way I did around N.
And so, finally, the guilt has caught up with me. I don’t want my friends to feel the way I did when I was dealing with N. I want them to carry on being happy and awesome, only dealing with their problems. I want them to leave me alone until I’m done with whatever this stupid thing is. I don’t want their pity. I want to feel like myself.
Sometimes all I want to do is sleep and ignore the world for a bit. And I’m scared. I’m scared that when I read back on how I felt at that time of N, the descriptions of him, I see myself.
Fuck. Since when was I so alone?
Love and hugs from Yorkshire. For all the good it does.
You sound really down, maybe visit your GP or see a counsellor just to clear your head a bit? Hope you feel better soon x
Is sleeping and ignoring the world for a bit an option? I was thinking along the lines of a beach and a lounger and lots of books for a couple of weeks just to totally get away from everything and really relax. On your own. With no internet. Or work.
I don’t want to shrink you, lord knows i’m not qualified for that, but if what your brain really wants is time to sort through itself and put itself in order, it can’t be a bad thing to give that to it.
and don’t think about what happens when you get back until you get back
Remember there are a lot of us bloggy friends who are out there if you need help not to feel lost whilst you are going through this x
Not to sound judgmental of your friends, but that’s not terribly supportive of them. Could you see a therapist or some other neutral party who could help you work through whatever it is that’s got you? Please take care of yourself, Nutty Cow. We love you here.
You sound in a difficult place. But we all go through stuff, so don’t add to your anguish by beating yourself up about it. Can you just sit with your feelings, observe them, and let them go by (I think they call it “mindfulness”).
Best wishes from a cyberstranger who enjoys your blog. I hope you find a way through.
Fuck. Sorry. You did send it to them. Please ignore my comment of five minutes ago on the previous post.
I agree with The Modern Gal. When you said they sat you down and talked to you, I imagined that they’d be trying to listen and to see things from your POV. Instead, they talk about how inconvenient it is to them to have a friend in need.
I just get pissed and blab it all out at midnight after the sixth pint.
Oh sweetness. Take time for you right now, sod it if it’s inconvienent for them. You need the time and the energy to help youself. It won’t be a 2 week or a 2 month ‘fix’ it will be a process and a slow one. Sending you a ton of positive energy and a ear and as much cheese and red wine as you need. Take care of you xxxxx
Gosh Nutty, I’m so surprised at your friends’ joint response. Seems rather selfish – where’s the realisation that you’re in trouble and then the offer of a bit of help and support (or, at least, a shoulder to cry on)?
And sorry that you’re feeling alone too. Perhaps if you cant fix things yourself, mebbe talking to `someone in the know’ might help – the Chuppies was referred by his GP to a counsellor a little while ago and it was some help.
E’d
Hey Nutty,
I know the walking on eggshells feeling well but I would’ve thought your email gave your friends permission not to do that. For them to realise that you know you’re not feeling quite aligned with the rest of the world and that it’s ok for them to talk about it openly with you.
Finding a professional to talk to is a good idea, as is having a look at the moodgym (http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome)
Keep talking about it on here too – even if you don’t hit publish on the post and don’t be afraid to ask for help.
K
Oh! I haven’t read in a few weeks.
I remember more than once going through times in my life where I felt I had lost myself. Most notably in a relationship that wasn’t good for me.
Your friends….I hope they are stepping up. Sometimes we need our friends to carry us a few steps, when we can’t make it anymore….
And I think looking for a counselor to sort these things out could be good. I obviously don’t know a thing about you other than what you write, but every time I have felt lost, that has helped me find myself again.