Dealing with the return

E had been dating R for just a number of days when the news came through. R was to be deployed to War Zone for 6 months. He’d be away for Christmas and return some time in the spring.

E and R worked together and had been friends for a couple of years. When E split up with her boyfriend, R wasted no time. He made laid his cards on the table and made his suit known (just to overdo the gambling metaphor a bit)

E and R’s relationship moved quickly. About a month after they first got together and a couple of weeks before he was due to leave, E confided:

“…he has said he wants to marry me  I think he wants to wait until he is back rather than rush into asking just because he is going away. Knowing him he will make it pretty special when he does!”

I bit my tongue, it’s not up to me to lecture people on how quickly they move in their relationships (especially since my parents were engaged within 3 days – but that’s a story for another day). She had fallen, and fallen fast. So, apparently, had he.

R left the UK in October. While he was away, I wrote to him every week. Ok, so I didn’t actually know him (I was round at E’s house for a girlie supper in front of Strictly when I first met R. Genial chap, a tad on the short side (for me!) but all round intelligent and personable fellow. We talked a little bit about the upcoming tour – having been an army brat and, like Blonde, having had many a friend visiting hot and dusty places, I have a fair idea on what it’s like being the one left behind. We talked for maybe half an hour) but I had promised, and I delivered.

Although R could never write back (Switzerland not being one of the countries that the BFPO recognises apparently) I always heard through E how he was doing. Well, she said. He was homesick and tired but enjoying his time out there.

R got back from his tour a month later than originally scheduled. I had already made my move by this point so I emailed E and saw how she was getting on.

…had a big fight with R yesterday.  Have found it hard adjusting to him being back as he has changed quite a lot and isn’t quite as caring or saying the things he was when he left and while he was away so has made me question whether he still feels the same.  Is just all a bit unsettling as we had talked about moving in when he got back and he now wants to postpone this until he feels more settled.

As the months passed, it didn’t get any easier:

…things are not great at the moment to be honest, the whole moving in together is on hold and he wants us to spend a bit less time together and have more space.  Really gutted after all I went through while he was away that he is now being quite distant … I just feel a bit like it is game playing and I never thought it would be like that with him… Anyway I do love him and want to see if we can work things out but I’m not going to be treated like a doormat so I need to be getting back what I put into a relationship. 

I really do hope he still does love me as I do him and after everything we have been through I hope we can get through this but if it does continue like this for much longer and he doesn’t start to respect me more than I’m not going to put up with it as it just isn’t fair on me and I think I’ve already been through enough!

We have had some chats, feel a bit chatted out about it, think we just need to have some time to have fun and see how it goes, I find when I bring some of it up he tends to switch off at the moment.  I think wait a few months and see if things start to improve before I bring up where we are and what we want to do.

And so it continues. Four months after he left War Zone, his work out there is still affecting his every day life. He is by no means alone and this story is one which is repeated day after day, across the country. When loved ones come back from something like War Zone it can be difficult for those left at home to comprehend why everything isn’t the same.

It’s not the same. It won’t be the same.

They have changed. They’ve seen things and done things and been places that are new, scary, exhilarating, amusing, unshareable, have to be shared, familiar. All of these.  Their perspectives have changed, their experience has changed and, possibly, what they want in life has changed.

You’ve changed. You’ve been on your own without them. Things have happened and you’ve had to cope, on your own, without their support. You’ve relied on friends, family, work colleagues – people who weren’t close may have become closer. People who were close may have become more distant.

The relationship will never pick up exactly where it was left. You’ll have to work at it. You’ll have to start all over again and effectively begin a new relationship… or not.

Being apart gives you lots of time to think. The absence won’t cover up the holes that were there before you parted. The time away may make it worse. If your relationship was strong, you should be able to recognise the good bits from before and use them as the basis for this new relationship you’ve started. If it was weak then the initial bump from their return may sustain it for a while but ultimately, it won’t cover up all the cracks.

You’ll both need time. Both of you will need to have time to get back to “normal”. This may take a while. It may never happen.

The threat of what might happen tends to exacerbate things. E and R might have been taking it too fast. The main reason for this was probably the overhanging threat of R’s deployment. Similarly, if the relationship doesn’t work out on return, this isn’t a failure on either of your parts. It probably would have happened anyway – the situation you’ve found yourself in has just speeded up the process.

Don’t forget to talk. Granted, they might not want to talk about the nitty gritty but that doesn’t mean you can’t discuss the overall picture. How you’re feeling. How they’re feeling. How to move forward. If you suffer in silence, you’ll do exactly that. Suffer.

You’re not alone. There are plenty of people out there who’ve a) been through this and survived and b) want to help. Seek them out. Rely on them. There’s nothing to be ashamed or scared of. Lots of people go through this and get through this.

More advice:

The (British*) Army, Navy and Air Force have extensive information on dealing with a loved one’s return from deployment. Well worth a read:

• Army (links on the right hand side)
• Navy
• Air Force