EXCLUSIVE: I’m actually a fat gay man

So remember I told you about the dream and the beard? Yes, well, this has been disturbing me recently. I mean, a beard, come on. And we’re not talking a goatee here. We’re talking a full on Rasputin beard.

Ra-Ra-Rasputin

Today in a fit of “It’s Friday and I really don’t want to work” I was chatting to a friend about the possible meanings of said beard in relation to Ginge (since in the dream I was going out to meet said ginger when beard sprouted). For the purposes of posterity I will now proceed to copy/paste our conversation. You’re welcome.

me: sigh, ginge

Bad influence (an old and very dear friend uni): sigh indeed. They’re lovely. I love that you have a proper crush…

me: I don’t – it’s driving me mental

Bad influence: is he all you can think about?

me: yessssss and I stupidly dream about him too which sucks. Had a weird one the other night that I was going out to meet him but looked in the mirror and had a full on beard

Bad influence: Dude. I am attempting to keep a straight face at my new job. Please refrain from making me burst out laughing!

me: But it was big and bushy

Bad influence: STOP IT  <mmmmwahahahahaaaa!>

me: ”If you are a woman and you dream of growing a beard, signifies your masculine aspect of your personality. You want to be more assertive and wield more power.”  You’re telling me - would love to dominate ginge, tickle him with my beard etc

Bad influence: dirty minx! And yes – i think it’s pretty obvious that it’s because you want to feel a bit more in control! (please don’t get a beard though)

me: OR “If you are a woman dreaming that you have a beard, it can represent:
A fear of not feeling feminine enough or of a loss of femininity
Your masculine side (bravery, stoicism, etc.)”
<sigh>

Bad influence: ditto

me: ok – so basically I’m a man and I’m worried that I’m not metrosexual enough – well that sucks

Bad influence: who said life was going to be easy?

me: I don’t want to be a man

Bad influence: I think you’ll be ok

me: But I like men

Bad influence: you are basically a gay man with a beard. And boobs.

me: OMG you’re right. I’m actually a fat gay man!

Bad influence: OK, you have to stop this, that nearly made me snort

me: what, the thought of my moobs - do you think I’ll have to wear a bra? I’m actually a fat gay transvestite – no wonder ginge doesn’t fancy me

Bad influence: I think your reference point should be Meatloaf in Fight Club…My name is Robert Palson, my name is Robert Palson - but with a beard and a higher pitched voice. Hey maybe he did fancy you as just that role…

me: <shudder>

Bad influence: i.e.fat gay tranny and then realised that you’re actually a woman. Maaaaaayyyyyyyybe that ‘ugly woman’ you saw him pulling the other night was, in fact, a man! It would explain EVERYTHING

Bad influence: you should find out what his dog is called and put it in a translator online thingy. If it means “I heart pork sword” in english then it’s pretty clear what’s what…

Bad influence: done. I’m quite pleased with us.

me: we’ve worked it all out. I’m a man, he’s gay but because I’m actually a woman he doesn’t like me. Or something

Bad influence: EXACTLY. Easy peasy. We should set up some ind of international crime fighting / sleuth company – like Rosemary & Thyme but better… I get to be Felicity Kendal though.

me: so I’m the fat one - I understand

Bad influence: She’s got character    …and looks a bit like a man so that fits perfectly with the new revelations of the day

me: Yeah, thanks