Hold onto your hats children, two blog posts in the space of a month. I know, I know. Sometimes I just spoil you.
I was commenting on twitter earlier (and if you don’t follow me, why the hell not!) at how content I was feeling recently. It hit me last night actually.
There I was, lying on the sofa, glass of wine in hand, something suitably rubbish on the television, having just eaten some supper. I was lying there and just…being.
I have great friends.
I first starting playing rugby when I moved up to London. At that point in time I was living in the east end of London (I know!) and knew pretty much no one. I had a rubbish job and I worked stupid hours. My room was tiny, my housemates were alright but not really my kind of people. I was lonely.
And then I met up with a great uni friend. He persuaded me to come to an event at the rugby club. Up I pitched and there they were, all these wonderful people, drinking, laughing, stupidly friendly. They sat me in the corner of the bar and proceeded to help me get very drunk.
5 years later and I’m still at the club, still playing rugby (well, not at the moment obviously) and the people I’ve met are brilliant. I don’t think I’d naturally be friends with some of them – I just wouldn’t have met them under any other circumstances not that I wouldn’t like them – and it’s that aspect of rugby that I adore. A big melting pot of different people who all have a passion in common. Well, a couple actually – rugby and beer.
However different we all are, I know without a doubt that if I needed help, they’d be there to delve it out.
I am starting to get a semblance of a social life back.
I know that makes me sound as if I didn’t have a social life when I was with N, and I did, but this social life is…different.
I still see him out and about – he still plays for the rugby club – but it’s ok. I can go out. I can chat. I can flirt with lots of different people. I can do all the things I could do when I was with him but… it’s different. And not necessarily in a bad way.
When I first broke up with N, I felt alone. Although I’d always vowed I’d never become one of “those girls” (you know the type, they get with a man and there’s no sign of them until they break up with said man) I think I was getting there. Sometimes, I’d not go out because “I couldn’t be bothered” but looking back, it might have been because I just didn’t want to leave the house – I was happy in my little married couple existence.
Now, I’m starting to go out more, try new things. The diary is slowly filling up and I’m getting out there.
I have some money. Not a lot, not enough, but some.
Ok, so I’m still hugely in debt from University and the money I earn just about covers the amount that wings its way out of my bank account each month but I still have some money.
Like today. I bought the box set of the West Wing. Because I could. Because I wanted to.
I’m lucky. There are lots of people who don’t have that freedom.
I’m in no way near minted but the fact that I have the chance to do something nice for me occasionally? That makes me happy.
I love the freedom that living on my own brings me.
Those nights when I don’t want to go out? I don’t have to. And I don’t have housemates telling me I’m dull.
If I don’t want to clean up my mess, I don’t have to. And I don’t have to clean up after other people. When it gets too much I can complain to myself. That makes it all the more fun.
I can walk around naked, I can have long baths, I can have a million and one books on the go and leave them everywhere. No one cares. No one needs to know.
I can live off pizza and chocolate and don’t have anyone nagging me. I can drink wine if I want. I can listen to shit music. I can dance around the sitting room singing to Mika.
When I come home at the end of the day, I walk up the two flights of stairs to my little house, close the door behind me, drop my handbag on the floor, and exhale. Peace.
I have fun crushes
Some of the men I fancy will never be mine. Some of the men I fancy don’t know I like them. Some of them are just impossible.
That, however, is not the point. The point is I’m crushing on men. And it’s fun. I like that frisson of excitement when I see them, get an email off them, have a drink with them. I like the flirting. More than that, I like the flirting which won’t go anywhere. It’s practice and, as we all know, practice makes perfect!
Sure, one day, I want more. A woman can’t live on bread alone (I was going to say something else there but I couldn’t think of a good enough euphemism so bread it is) after all. Sometimes a lady needs… company.
Alright, mind out of the gutter. That kind of company is always welcome but it’s also a bit more. Being taken out on dates. Being sent flowers (I love being sent flowers). Thoughtful messages. Someone to put my feet up on when sharing a bottle of wine in front of the X factor. You know, company.
Although it doesn’t seem like a lot – all of the above makes me feel happy. As for the other thing, you know, the company – that will come. Eventually. But someday, I know it will.
Until then… well, I’ll just get on with it.