Sorry for the radio silence.
~~~~~
The last few weeks have been spent variously househunting, going on holiday, working my arse off, running, eating too much, drinking too much, thinking, thinking thinking.
~~~~~
It’s been nearly 6 months now since I broke up with N. In that time, I think I’ve changed a lot. I’m a little more lonely. I’m a little more reticent. I feel like I’m a desperate old woman. I’m shy and a little more scared.
~~~~~
I didn’t realise how nervous I’d become until I came home from work the other night. My housemate had been watching the cricket, drinking beers while he watched. He was drunk. He was high spirited. He and one of my other housemates were messing around, play fighting, shouting. I got scared. I didn’t like the fact that there were men around me, shouting.
~~~~~
I move into my own place next week. A new beginning. A whole flat all to myself. I pretend I’m not scared of the prospect. I pretend that I’m looking forward to the adventure. Underneath the bravado, I’m scared that I’m going to be alone. For the last four years, N has been my best friend. He’s been the person I went to with a problem. That I cried to. That I laughed with. That I bitched to. That I relaxed with. He was the main person in my life. Now he’s not there.
~~~~~
I went to a party on Saturday. Surrounded by friends and yet… and yet still not completely sure of myself. Not sure whether I was welcome. Whether people wanted me there or whether I had turned into one of those people that are just tolerated.
~~~~~
It feels like I have to go through the whole process of making friends again. I’m not sure I remember how. I made an effort on Saturday. I talked to new people. I had a bit of a flirt. I spoke to my old friends. I asked them round to the new flat. I asked them to come and see me. I don’t know if they will. I don’t know if they want to.
~~~~~
For the past couple of months, I’ve been using N. Scratch that, we’ve been using each other. It’s going to stop. Although I know I don’t want to go back, in the haze of the next day hangover, it hurts. It was a stupid idea to start with. It’s a stupid idea now. It’s going to stop.
~~~~~
I need to establish a little black book.
Oh bum
Yes, I thought that at the time too. Feeling better now though
Bren’s response just about sums it up. i only wish you weren’t scared of North or i could afford to come South because you know that all us lot of online friends love you for who you are and we always will
L x
But the north is full of scary northern people
I know how you feel. To a lesser extent I think. I didn’t live with my ex. But he was my best friend. My everything, really.
We used each other for a few months too. It was fun but I think we were both living a lie, pretending that it was just about the sex. Then he admitted he loved me. Then he cut me out of his life. It hurts so much that I can’t even bear to think about it.
I’m always here if you need a chat or a moan xx
Thanks Helen – that’s very kind
I want to hear about ‘bit of a flirt’.
That flirt is a slow burner. We’ll see how it goes.
You might feel like you’re going backwards, but you just listed a wholllee load of stuff which is actually you moving forwards. You know where I’m at with my break up story, and I’m on email if you need a virtual ear.
You’re right, of course. I am going forwards. Slowly
Very brave to be moving on – and once you’re used to it, living on your own is really fabulous!
Ex-Sex though – bad. Bu tyou already know that. It is hard to cut that final tie – but you owe it to yourself.
x
Yes ex-sex is bad. I’m still in contact but I’m not going to invite him out for drinks etc until I’m sure I’m done with him. If that makes sense.
I don’t know, I read your post and I thought it was overall optimistic. You recognize things and you’re doing something about it. I don’t think anyone can expect any more from someone.
Also, I’m moving next week too. Twins!
I’m getting there Sarah. We’ll all get there eventually. Why the journey has to be so damn annoying, I don’t know.
This post resonates with me last summer (08). I woke up one Sunday and packed up the apartment and left my 4 years boyfreidn who was my pillar to say the least.
And for the first time I fell apart and then along the way I slowly realized I had to fall apart to fall back together (cliche but true). I moved into a new house and had 10 roomies and then a couple months later I got myself together and moved into my own apartment alone. Since I’ve made new friends and life has gone on more beautifully that I’d ever have dared to imagine.
So I guess I’m trying to tell to hang in there, that up is coming that you sound like a great person and doubt you’re one those people who are tolerated and that you’ll be just fine!!!
Pretty – welcome (I don’t think I’ve seen you here before?) and thank you for your kind comments. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one.
It’s nice to hear from you. Glad that you’re getting your own place. It’s the right thing to do.
Become master over your fear. Don’t let fear run the show. Onward through the fog! Please don’t wait so long to post again, eh?
Yes dad.
Sorry.
It is scary starting all over again( and I have not been there yet), but I would imagine the more you go out and meet people, the more confident you will feel and the more confident you feel, the easier it will get. Cyber hugs and hope the move to the new place is not as bad as you fear.
Thanks rosiero, I appreciate it. The move wasn’t that bad in the end. Storm in a teacup and all that!
Six months following on from four years is still going to suck. I don’t mean to sound pessimistic – rather, any feelings of confusion, doubt… you know, the rubbish ones… they’re certainly to be expected. I would tend to concur with Sarah here though – there’s some good stuff here.
Oh, and doesn’t *everyone* feel like that at parties? Just me? Oh.
Huw – thank you. You might be right – I might be being a bit hard on myself. I just don’t like this feeling of not being in control. Dammit!
I’m one week on from a break up and unfortunately I know there is so much more I have to go through before I feel right again and its scaring the hell out of me. For the moment taking it one step at a time – first task – find new home… Determined not to see him too much or at all if poss after I move out. its just prolongs the pain.
Hey – you know my feelings on this one.
Let me know how you’re getting on.