…for your guests, that is.
1. Free bar
To me, this is a bit of a no-brainer. I understand that some people just don’t have the budget but for me, a wedding is a celebration and therefore should have free alcohol in order to help the er… celebration
2. Minimal use of children
I don’t mean in the slave labour kind of way – that should be done as much as possible (kidding, kidding, don’t report me to the NSPCC). What I mean is ok, people have children, I can’t begrudge them procreation. What I can get a bit miffed at is the fact they feel they have to bring them along to weddings. Weddings are adult things. They’re all about love and sex and marriage. They’re about getting drunk and flirting. They are not about small ankle biters tripping up unsuspecting guests and making drunken 27 year olds feel like they should have done more with their life.
3. Get a good band
I know music is subjective but when you’re planning your wedding, realise that not everyone shares your taste of music. Also realise that if people are drunk enough, they will dance (see point 1). Therefore, get a band that rocks. They should be a) good and b) play classics. Rehashing bad pop songs from the last 40 years does not count. Neither does playing slow songs at 8:30 in the evening. Who’s in the mood for a slow dance then?
4. Don’t force cheesiness on your guests
The first dance? Don’t do it. What could be more embarrassing for you or your guests than watch you and your beloved shuffle your way round an empty dancefloor to “My heart will go on” sung by an overweight backing singer. Not a lot. That’s what.
5. Make sure you have a good mix of people
I know that old people are obligatory at weddings. I know the ugly cousin who you’ve never spoken to probably needs to be there too. But the rest of the guests. These are yours. Have a good mix. Have single people, taken people, straight people, gay people, older people, young people. Make sure you have one “gets on with everyone” person on each table. Get your bridesmaids/ushers to do the work of introducing people that will get on. How pleased would you be if your wedding resulted in another? Well exactly.
6. Help out with logistics
If you’re going to have your wedding in the middle of nowhere (which I fully intend to) then make sure you help your guests out. Give them numbers of cab companies. List local B&Bs/hotels etc, give good directions. There’s nothing worse than people having to leave at 10:30 because they’ve got to get the last train home.
7. Feed your guests
I know that you’re likely to have a sit down meal with most of your guests but, if you’re budget’s a bit on the small side, you might invite a load of people just to the reception. If so, let them eat too. Why not offer cheese, biscuits, chutney, fruit and port at around 10:30 – that’ll help them soak up some of the booze and stave off those hunger pangs. And besides, everyone loves cheese!
8. Don’t let the speeches drag
It’s lovely that everyone wants to speak at your wedding but please don’t enforce it on everyone else. If great-uncle Alan from Atlanta wants to tell you how pretty you are, can’t he do it later. When no one else is listening? Eat. Listen to the father of the bride. Listen to the groom. Toast. Drink. Dance. Enough.
9. Don’t force compliments
Guest books. I hate them. Imagine, you’re slightly tipsy and the happy couple are asking you to think of something nice to say. All you can think of is “Why aren’t there any single men here you bastards? Don’t you care about us single people now you’re married?” and yet you end up writing “Congratulations! I know you’ll be very happy together! Just think, if you last 15 years and you’d have killed her instead of married her, you’d be free!”
10. Have fun
It’s your wedding. If you’re not having fun, no one else will.
You clearly have a future as a wedding planner! But as someone who has actually organised on of these things:
1. Agreed in theory, but in practice it is bloody expensive. You’d be amazed how much damage 100 thirsty guests can do in 4 hours – the only way to even vaguely control it is to limit the selection to beer and house wine (for example), but that just looks cheap. We ended up providing the drinks before dinner, wine with, and a drink for the toasts, and letting everyone else fend for themselves after that.
2. Agreed. Couldn’t agree more.
3. Bands are also very expensive, particularly the good ones. We made do with a DJ, and I got to pick basically my favourite 100 songs, so it was like having a party in my bedroom. Decent musical taste (/ decent appreciation of what people might like dancing to) is an essential prerequisite.
4. I would happily have done away with the first dance, but that idea got vetoed…
5. The mix of single / coupled up people is a hard one to manipulate…
6. Anyone who doesn’t do this is exceptionally silly.
7. I think cheese, biscuits and port at 10pm was one of the highlights of my evening. And there were a few highlights…
8. Agreed. 9. Agreed even more, I hate those things. 10. Should go without saying…it’s not supposed to be a gruesome duty!
I think I’d go mad if I had to organise a wedding. I’d force my own ideas on everyone else and not allow anyone else a look in!!
I am a grumpy pants who doesn’t really like weddings precisely because nobody adheres to your rules. There’s too much cheesiness and childrens and bad music, and rarely enough cheese and beer (my two favorite things!). And every one is exactly the same. I guess I’ve always thought that weddings should be personal and intimate, and never really understood the ritual of inviting everyone you have ever known. Also detest more than I can say the chicken dance and twist and shout.
Thankfully, there was not a chicken dance in sight.
I think I would have left.
Hmmm don’t agree with some of those! But I do agree with good band, mix of people, logistics, feeding guests, short speeches and having fun. Sounds like you went to a wedding on Saturday? Me too! The speeches were short, the band was incredible, lots of people, we ate loads, everybody was having fun and we all had maps of the area! They were a great couple!
Sounds like you had a fantastic time! The wedding I went to was fun. Just not… my type of wedding!
People just don’t seem to be marrying at all these days – Lots of living in sin, though! I have not been to a wedding for about twenty years. My daughter would have loved to have been a bridesmaid!
There’s nothing wrong with living in sin really. I just like a good wedding. There’s something lovely about making that further commitment.
So you had a good, fun evening then?
It was alright – I was thrilled that the bride was so happy. I’d never met her husband but he seemed to be a perfectly nice man. At the end of the day, as long as they’re happy, that’s the main thing.
I have children of my own and can confirm that it is very nice indeed to attend a wedding without them. Otherwise, instead of talking to my friends, eating and drinking, I spend the whole time chasing around trying to stop them drinking other people’s drinks. And you have to leave unfeasibly early.
itsasmallworld – hello
I understand that it’s sometimes difficult to get babysitters etc but I just think people should make the effort for weddings.
This of course is from me, a single, child-less woman!
All excellent points. Please issue widely. Nay, globally. In the next two weeks (I have one to go to…)
Maybe you can send it to the bride-to-be and suggest that unless all points are adhered to, you’re not coming!
This post is brilliant, I’m linking to it…
God it’s refreshing to read someone else who’s not all for first dances and speeches! Hurrah.
Thank you, you’re very kind.
This is great! It should be on Guidespot
I might take you up on that suggestion!
And by great, I meant that it’s funny and yet so true
I agree with you on everything! But, I’m the type whose finally decided that a big wedding just isn’t my style. It should be my style, it should make me happy and I should have wedding magazines hidden places. Instead, the idea of planning all of that makes me feel a bit ill. I’d rather elope.
Eloping sounds fun. Then you can have a huge party on your return!
Gah. I heard of a wedding once where everyone had to write down a wish for the happy couple on a pretty piece of hand-made paper, then they were all ceremoniously burnt.
Obviously I disagree with the kid thing, but only cos mine are hugely entertaining. Little ones are a pain though.
Oh, and at our bash we’re having an emergency Krispy Creme delivery at midnight. Yay! xx
Your children are wonderful and everyone else’s are brats, right
Krispy Creme delivery sounds EXCELLENT!
1. Agree.
2. You’re showing your age.
3. Get a good disco.
4. Your cheese is not my cheese.
5. Agree.
6. Don’t have your wedding somewhere that involves travel in anything other than a car.
7. Agree.
8. How do you propose to solve it?
9. Agree.
10. See point 4.
1. yep
2. yep
3. i prefer bands
4. true
5. yep
6. but then someone has to drive
7. yep
8. hit people over the head?
9. yep
10. er…
Oh God, I wish I was at the wedding English Mum wrote about – sounds hysterically funny! What a fantastically ridiculous idea! (If I ever plan a marriage) I will definitely include similar stupid gimmicks, like… releasing doves dyed pink with bride and grooms named tattooed on them. Amazing.
Roseski – I worry.
Oh, you’re BACK after a very long week.
I went to my cousin’s wedding reception recently — the first of our generation to get married — and there was no free drinks! Even worse, the drinks were provided by some local over-priced bar/restaurant. Paying £4 for a glass of wine at a wedding reception is not the best of plans. Urgh.
The food was OK though.
And I wrote something suitably funny and scathing in the compliment book…
I hate paying for booze at weddings. Hence it being number one on my list!