It’s been three weeks. By rights, this should mean that I’m starting to live my life again, right? In reality, I’m not. It’s too far down the line to continue boring my friends and so it falls to you, dear anonymous internet, to take the burden of my woes.
I’m lonely.
Shit, I know I’m not really lonely. I know there are people out there who are really lonely – those without another person in the world. Those who have nobody.
I have people. I have my friends, I have my family. But you know what? I feel alone. Ergo, I am lonely. In my own self-obsessed, pathetic little way.
As I lie in bed at night, schizophrenically relishing and fearing that vast expanse of bed I can stretch across. Feeling cold and small. And alone.
I wake up in the morning, Radio 4 abusing my ears, telling tales of doom and gloom, recession, depression and rain. I wait there, listening. Showers, doors banging, footsteps. Noise, everywhere. And yet I am there in my room, in my own separate bubble. Alone.
I sit in the office. I look at the to-do list. The piles of paper. The parcels. The radio burbles in the background. Computer beeps. Clicks. Thames keeps on flowing by. Sun skipping off the surface and into my eyes. And I don’t do what I should. I just sit here. Gazing, daydreaming. Alone.
It continues. A perpetual circle. No progression. Just spirals. I feel fine. I don’t feel fine. I feel fine. I don’t feel fine. On and on and on.
And I’m alone.
That’s nice of you to try and take the world view and acknowledge that there are others in worse shape than you, but applying logic to this wound is cold comfort and won’t make the hurt go away. Only time can do that. A new boyfriend could speed things along. Hope that happens unexpectedly and soon.
When you’re not at work, are you trying to get out and about with your friends and family? I find the best thing to do in times like this is to busy yourself and surround yourself with people…and when you can’t quite face that, some quality time for yourself, doing things that you love xx
You WILL feel better, but it does take time. Pink jelly baby is right in suggesting surrounding yourself with friends and love. But there are also times when you need to be alone, to have time to listen to your own mind.
It does pass. It will pass. Promise.
I know it seems hard now, but coming to terms with The Silence is worthwhile and, once you’ve done so, you’ll feel better in yourself as well.
You know where we are (on Twitter, Google Chat etc) if you need to sound off, I’m sure many of us would offer wine and a sympathetic ear should you need to sound off.
D x
You are not entirely alone. You have your real friends and your cyber friends, but I know what you mean. You are in a far better place than you were three weeks ago, believe me. As Pink Jelly says, keeping busy will help immensely. Talking about it will too. But whatever you do, don’t go back. Because it will start all over again. Detachment from the situation is the best cure. Honestly.
I guess the hard part of any break up is learning to be on your own, we turn to our other halves for so much and when thats been taken away there is a hole which friends and family struggle to fill. You will feel better soon as that hole does close in time x
P.s you are one cow i dont hate x
I know that feeling. But it passes, you get through the foggy bit. Instead of daunting ‘to do’ lists, write one which lists all the ways you’re better off now. I did and it helped.x
I like Jo’s idea, and of course keeping busy always helps, darlin. Sending an e-hug your way…
Time for a holiday methinks…get you out of the routine for a bit. Get some sun too.
Stop being alone… You said you have friends, and family, and you’re not really alone, so go and find them!
When I was depressed here, I was upset that this “best friend” of mine had ditched me for her new boyfriend. It wasn’t until I realised there were so many other people for me to spend time with that I got out of my slump.
Feel better lovely xx
Just time.
Reality check, Honey. Three weeks is sod all as time before which you can “start to live my life again”. How long were going out with him for ? Years ? Habits and thoughts so ingrained do not die easily. I’ve never preached to you before but please, please don’t give yourself a hard time because you don’t feel “right” again yet. It will happen, slowly. Gradually. Sometimes without you even noticing it. The “I don’t feel fine”s will be shorter, the ” I feel fine”s longer.
Yeah, keeping busy probably helps, exercise and all that stuff, but this is no gentle, linear-progression journey that you’re on; some of the hours ahead will feel crap. Keep the faith that they’ll pass and that you can come out the other side because they will and you can. And do keep talking.
Love you
** E-HUG **
Ah, I think it’s all been said already, but be kind to yourself, give yourself time and lean on your friends and the people that care about you. I particularly like what Womble said about the ‘I feel fine’ moments becoming imperceptibly longer.
Chin up, petal x
UB: Don’t think I’m quite up to having a new boyfriend just yet. A sneaky snog in a couple of months might be nice though
Pinkjellybaby: I’m trying to get out but during the week I’m so knackered I just want to collapse into bed.
Mud: I try not to listen to my own mind… it normally talks rubbish!
D: Thank you. (and great post)
Rosiero: You’re right, I know you’re right. It just sucks at the moment. But it will get better, I know this.
Smidge: I think that’s it. I haven’t been well recently and all I could think about last night was how much I wanted him there to make it all better!
Jo: Good idea. Might make it into a post sometime in the future.
LiLu: Hug received and appreciated.
Philip: One day. When I have the time and money
you’ll be the first to know.
Rose: I’m trying, I’m trying (some people would say “very trying”!)
Expat Mum: I know
WOT: 4 years. And I try not to give myself too hard a time but I have an outside persona I have to portray
EM: Thank you. And yes, they will get longer. They’re quite short bursts at the moment but I look forward to those longer times.
Poor thing, I hope you feel better soon.
Some people are in a relationship and still feel lonely.
As the others said take time for yourself, be kind to yourself and just imagine what good things are in your future.
Magnumlady – thank you.
Sigh. It really isn’t easy, is it? The getting better happens so awfully slowly, the degrees of improvement are so tiny that on a day-to-day basis they appear almost imperceptible.
I’d share my secret with you if I thought it would help? Not sure it would though.
[...] only so much moping around one can do on a Saturday night. I’ve complained endlessly about how lonely I’ve been and so now I’ve decided to actually do something about [...]
[...] Getting there [...]