You don’t like Christmas. I get it. I get it. But why do you have to ruin it for me. Selfish viewpoint? Probably.
I lay there last night, waiting for you to get home. I lay there and all sorts of things were going through my head. You’d been in an accident. You’d been arrested. You were lying somewhere, unseen, waiting for someone to help you.
I went to church this morning. I sat there, amid all those families. Those happy people. Together at Christmas. I cried. Silent tears during the last hymn. The vicar smiled at me and wished me happy Christmas. It was all I could do to collapse in front of her, sobbing.
And so I sit here. On my own. Looking at the Christmas tree. Wishing that you cared. Wishing that you wanted to be here with me. Instead, you lie next door, lying in the smell of stale beer. You came home last night, so drunk that you could hardly stand. You collapsed into bed and I had to get you undressed.
I know you hate Christmas. I don’t know why. Could it be that this time of happiness reminds you of how alone you feel? How much you hate yourself?
You are not alone. You have me. Do you want me? Where were you until 5 this morning? Who were you with? Do you care?
Happy Christmas.
I wish I was anywhere else but here. Anywhere.
So sorry to read that. Alcohol really is the devil, and it’s not fair that you should be kept waiting til 5am worrying – Christmas or not. I hope your day improves, even slightly x
Oh, I’m so sorry. So sorry. Like you, I’m a fellow Christmas lover, and my best friend hates Christmas and always spends it drunk. I know it’s because she hates her family but I’m hoping that as she gets older she’ll learn to enjoy it. But to do that, she’ll have to let herself enjoy it.
I hope that your boy lets himself enjoy it with you, and that he lets you help him, but also that he learns in the coming months not to let you shoulder the burden of his illness, but to take some responsibility for himself.
And I send you lots and lots of Christmas love and cheer and hope it makes you smile even for a moment.
Oh Nutty Cow I can’t BEAR it.. Do you want to come over!! Listen my love, you’ve got to be really REALLY brave and weigh up how much he makes you feel happy versus how much he makes you feel sad. If it’s more of the latter then you need to move on. As unbearable as it may be, it will mean you are one day nearer to finding true happiness with someone that will treat you properly. No one deserves to feel like you do today.
I hope your day is going ok and that he is hanging his head in shame.
Merry Christmas.
BMx
PS just to make you feel better my husband too got totally trashed last night, despite my plea not to because we would have such an early start etc etc.. did he listen? did he hell.. he was up drinking scotch til the wee hours..
Is this post a work of fiction? I hope so. No? Well, this is too much to bear on this Christmas morning. I hope you find two arms to wrap yourself in. All my best wishes from across the Atlantic.
Oh gosh. So so many hugs to you. So many.
Oh my God, you just don’t deserve this!
I agree with Bush Mummy, maybe you have to look at your options and probably move on.
My poor love. I hate Christmas too but I’d never do that to anyone. I make an effort. It’s a lousy time to be alone; whether you’re physically alone or effectively so, it’s horrible. Even worse it you’re having something that precious to you spoilt.
Hugs across the ‘net to you
xx
I, probably more than anyone, can understand what you are going through. So sorry to hear your Christmas started so badly. I think the fact that it is Christmas and everyone else is apparently enjoying themselves makes it twice as bad. A big cyber-hug for you and hopes that it is a minor blip and not the start of your Alcoholic Daze!
I hope it all got a bit better for you xx
I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.
It really hurts to read this. Im sorry and I hope 2009 is much better for you x
I’ve been debating whether and what to post here since i read this on christmas day. I guess all you need to know is that i am here for you, whenever and in whatever capacity you want me to be. I hate that you are feeling like this but i also know that only you see the insides of your relationship and only you can know if you are strong enough to stick it out.
Love always L x
So sorry to read about your Christmas. You don’t deserve that. I have to say, I’m wit Bush Mummy too.
Hope things are improving and I’m sending you good vibes!
x
Award for you at mine – you deserve it.
Hello Nutty Cow, just came by via Mud and hope that New Year will be a whole lot better for you. Best of luck for 2009 Blogthatmamax
If respect for you does not register higher than his own self-absorbtion, on Christmas Eve of all evenings, then he doesn’t care enough and that’s not what you deserve.
I’m always behind – sorry, Nuttycow. I do hope your Christmas improved (hope you enjoy my book, btw!)…It is always a difficult time of year for soooo many people – just a shame that you have been dragged down aswell. I hope 2009 brings you more joy….x
Pingback: The black dog « Parlez-vous moo?