I’ve never questioned my relationship with N. I’ve taken it as it is. Ups. Downs. Roundabouts.
And yet.
Recently all these thoughts have been crowding my head. Thoughts that I don’t know why I’m having. Thoughts which make me question everything that I’ve held so dear for the last four years. And I don’t know what to do.
After having a rather ambiguous, maudlin conversation with a friend last night she suggested two things. One, that if I’m thinking like this I must know that something’s wrong. And two, that I should make a list – try and sort out the jumble of my head and heart and work from there.
And so I sit here, early on a Sunday morning. Thinking. Smoking. Sitting. Scared of putting my thoughts down in the realisation that the act will make them real and force me to do something about them.
I love him.
He loves me. But sometimes I wonder whether he loves going out drinking more.
We have fun together. We’re friends.
I find it difficult to deal with the ups and downs. The boom and bust of his moods. There are times when he acts in a certain way, says certain things which scare me. Which upset me.
I know he doesn’t think in the same way as other people. But I wish that he’d make a move and do something about it. I wish he’d take the initiative and work his problems out. Go and see someone. Make the effort.
I can’t imagine being without him.
Sometimes I can’t imagine it being like this in 30 years time.
Sometimes I look at other people’s relationships and wonder, underneath the gloss of someone on the outside looking in, whether they have problems too. Whether it’s not all as rosy. Whether they sometimes feel the way I do.
I love him.
I think everyone has issues in their relationship, it’s just wether they are ones that you can work through or not?
Usually the best thing to do is talk it through, tell him how you’re feeling and that something needs to change, be honest…. it’s the only way you’ll know if you can work it out or not x
Oh love, yes, there are problems under every relationship. I too am up early on a Sunday morning thinking and preparing myself to call things off with my “boyfriend”. Sometimes when you don’t get back what you put in, it’s time to reconsider things – months, maybe years of not talking about issues that are bugging us have put me and my boyfriend in this situation, and now two weeks of not talking at all have made me realise that things won’t change. However, talk to him about what’s bothering you because if you can’t do that, there’s trouble ahead. Trust me.
If it’s any comfort, I can assure you that ALL relationships are problematic. I’ll go so far as to say that anyone who claims they are in a trouble-free relationship is lying. Conflict is a natural part of the human experience. Sometimes you can work through your conflict. Sometimes not.
OMG. Are we dating the same person? Seriously, I’m not saying that to try to make you feel better, but I wrestle with these exact same thoughts. I know my boyfriend loves me, and I him, but his relationship with alcohol is a little too close for my comfort. And he goes through these manic-depressive stages that I know I can’t do anything about. I too wish he’d take the initiative to take care of his problems, but he won’t and I wonder if I can handle the strain from them for the rest of my life.
I think that everyone in any relationship goes through periods like this. The problems really start when you feeling like this outweighs you being happy with him still.
Are you looking for a future that’s attainable with him or are you searching for something that has never been there and that’s why it’s making you think this way?
I think your friend is right; make a list of what matters to you and what you want from a relationship and if he’s not or can’t give you that then you have an answer.
Talk to him sure, but only when you know what you want to say…there’s no point telling him you feel unhappy if you can’t tell him why
x
I’ve always found that it all comes down to communicating well with each other.
Hope you manage to sort things out.
Everyone has ups and downs and struggles and wonders. Everyone. I think LizSara is right…figure out what you want to say and the WHYs and then talk to him.
underneath the gloss of someone on the outside looking in, whether they have problems too.
Everyone has their problems. That much is inevitable. But just how much you can deal with is up to you. Hopefully, regardless of if this means you and he stay together or not, you’ll end up happy.
I’ve been with my fiance for 5 years & I know that I love him & he loves me but I wonder daily if we are in love. …not the most ideal situation.
But I think the most important question is, will you be happy in the long run? You’ve got to do what’s right for you.
I’m currently waiting for my husband to decide whether or not our marriage is worth going to therapy for. I love him dearly. We’ve been together for twelve years and married for eight.
Bottom line: He can only love you as much as he loves himself.
xoxo
[...] world keeps on revolving A follow up to this rather sad and miserable [...]
All – thank you. I’m sorry I’ve been really slack at replying to comments. Head has been all over the place. Thank you though. Seriously.
No one knows what goes on in anyone’s relationships, only what people tell them. I think any issue should be considered as to whether it’s a deal breaker or not (thanks Dr Phil), is this issue more than you signed up for/a misrepresentation of what you signed up for, and more importantly is it something you can forgive or change. Only you and n know that. MH x