The house of cow

Hello hello. Welcome. Come in, come in. Make yourself at home.

Are we all here? Well then I can begin.

Welcome to this tour of Cow Towers. Sorry? What was that? No, penile dysfuntion is just down the hall. Yes, next to the “Why oranges are a poet’s best friend” seminar. No, you’re welcome. Right… where were we?

Oh yes, welcome to this tour of Cow Towers. Now, of course, due to the high profile and broke nature of Nuttycow you won’t see all of the living abode and you will be asked to look into your concious and donate £10. In the hat just over there. Thanks.

Welcome, welcome.

First exhibit. The Nuttycow handbag. Now, we all know that a woman’s handbag is a place of mystery. None more than this bag.

Note the Kenyan feel of the bag. The capacious nature. The fact it looks filthy but is actually just that colour. What’s in it? A good question.

As you can see, Nuttycow is a communicating beast. Work phone, Blackberry, normal phone. Packet of cigarettes (smoking kills, children), keys and two lighters. Don’t get too excited about the wallet. Nothing in it.

How many pens does one cow need. Quite a lot it seems. Make-up yes. Hairbrush check. Strange blue thing? A bandage for her ankle. No idea why she’s keeping it in her bag but hurry on, there’s lot to see.

Now, on your left you can see three things the cow finds it difficult to live without. The black thing? Her Moleskine diary. Invaluable. The green thing? Her wine book – here any wines the cow tries and likes gets written down in the book.  Very useful when shopping… which brings me to the black and silver moleskine – shopping lists. Organised yes. Sad. Also. On the right you can see some random assorted things which seem to have made their way into the bag. A camera from a recent wedding party. A pin thing from her bank for online banking and a badge that a fellow blogger sent her.

And now, with that section over, we can look at the area the good cow works in, introduce you to some of her family.

Ah, the computer. This is the hub of genius. This is where it all goes on people.

Yes, bare walls around her. Why? You may have not heard the tragedy that recently befell Cow Towers. Builders on the roof decided it didn’t rain in the UK. When they finished their work, they decided that instead of waterproofing the roof, they’d leave it open to the warm English weather. One huge downpour later, cue mould on all of Cow Tower walls. Hence the crapness.

Now here you can see the fireplace that isn’t a fireplace. Yes, still quite bare walls but the art that is there. Well, very high quality Kenyan art of course. Note too all the invitations on the mantlepiece. What a popular cow lives here.

Ah now, now this is interesting. Let me introduce Nelson the duck and Wellington the dog. Now, they’re quite shy and don’t have a lot to say but believe me when I say they’re a huge part of the cow family. Why the names? Well Nelson liked water (being a Navy man and all) so do ducks. Wellington? Well now I’d have to check the history of that one but I would imagine it’s just because Wellington is an awesome name for a dog.

And finally guests of Cow Towers let me introduce you to Bismarck. The tenants of Cow Towers are not too sure on Bismarck’s pedigree but he’s been friends of the family for about 3 years. Cow and N have seen this little plant grow from a seedling to the fine specimen he is now.

And there ends the tour my dear guests. Yes, Cow Towers isn’t very pretty or homely at the moment. The tenants have only been in the place for a year (and what with the rain debarcle you can understand their reluctance to ruin another set of perfectly nice paintings).

One day, dear visitors, these two will move into their own place. You can come and have a tour then if you like. It will be a lovely sunny place in the country. You’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Now, on your way out, please remember to visit our gift shop. There’s lots on offer. Cow print dartboards. Cow print bottles of gin. Everything the discerning visitor could ask for. Oh, we do gift vouchers as well.

Yes, thank you, thank you.

*counts change in the hat* 34p and a button. Cheapskates.

DISCLAIMER: Hope is one of the new bloggers I’ve recently discovered. She had an interesting post a couple of months ago. I have shamelessly stolen it – hope you don’t mind Hope?