Sometimes I just don’t know where to start. This blog is supposed to be here to help me vent. To help me rant. To help me get my thoughts into order. But somehow, I just don’t know where my thoughts are and what I need to say. Sometimes I find myself lying to myself. Pretending that everything’s ok. When I know it’s not.
My “friend” is N. It’s him who’s drowning. It’s him who’s so scared about what’s going on in his mind that he just doesn’t know where to turn next. It’s him who can’t see a way out of the situation he’s in. And it’s me who struggles. Me who feels so helpless, knowing that I can’t help him. That only he can help him.
The tears. The anger. The guilt. All of it is directed at me and it all makes me feel like it’s my fault. When deep down I know it’s not. I know that deep in his head, the hormones are flying around, making him feel like this and I know… no, I don’t know anything.
Sometimes I think it’s me. It’s me that’s driven him to this. Was he ok before he met me? Was it all ok? Did he get on with life without the worry and stress of me. Do I do this to him? Do I make him feel so helpless that he lies, sobbing next to me? Do I block his way?
I know I shouldn’t let it get to me like this. I know that it’s not being helpful. I know that I need to be the strong one and stand by him while he gets himself better. And I’m trying. I’m trying to be that person but the pain of seeing him like this eats me up inside.
I had to get out of the house this afternoon. I felt suffocated. I had to just leave and get some fresh air. Try to get rid of the headache. The pain. I went round to my best friend’s house. I cried. I embarrassed myself. I tried to put it out of my head and cheer the fuck up. On the way home, all I could think is that maybe I’d open the door and be faced with… and be faced with what? Be faced with death? Be faced with my worst nightmare. That N would have been so lost, so scared, that he would have just gone ahead with the things he thinks about? It ran through my head again and again. I didn’t know what to feel. I still don’t know.
I don’t know anything. I don’t know.
I feel like it’s pulling me under too. And I don’t know how to stop it.
All I can do is send hugs and prayers xx
and more hugs from here
Oh honey I’m so sorry. I think you should consider going and talking to someone so you don’t get pulled under and have a place to get a breath and take care of you too.
Ditto.
You are doing well, everyone has days of feeling overwhelmed and you also need your friends for support. Be strong, you WILL come through this and talk to people outside your immediate household to get that space & fresh air you need.
Hugs.
x
Sounds hard, and lonely. And scary. Very. Our thoughts are with you.
Whenever you get deeply involved in trying to help others you need to watch the effect it has on you. Sometimes you get so embroiled in what they’re going through you forget what it’s doing to you.
So actually, the fact that you’ve realised that it’s doing your head in too is a positive thing – a “heads up” to you, if you like, that you need to look after yourself. But what’s even more positive is that you went round to your best friend’s and cried your eyes out. I don’t think it’s possible to “embarrass yourself” in front of a best friend – not if they’re a true best friend. That’s what true best friends are there for, isn’t it ? If it had been the other way round would you have felt that your best friend had been embarrassing themselves ?
Talking sounds like it’s the key: N and the support network you’re encouraging him to use – well done for that, by the way, that’s something you’ve acheved already; you and N; you and whoever you need – best friends, this blog, whoever else – to preseve your own strength.
We’re thinking of you honey…take care
xx
Vent and rant nothing! This blog is here so that when things appear dark and hopeless, we, your friends out here in the ether, can tell you that things will change and that you must hang in there. It may take longer than you would like but I assure—I promise you—that things will get better. Nothing is permanent. You have to wait for it.
This sounds much like what I’ve gone through with my boyfriend, who has problems with anxiety. I often worry that I exacerbate the problems too. But, I think just being there and trying to be strong when you can and encouraging him to get help does help. It will still be hard, so you’ll need to vent somewhere — either here or to your friends.
vent all you want… this is the place for it!
I will also be sending hugs and good thoughts. You can never have enough of either!!
x
Talk to him. In the midst of everything you have to be able to still talk to each other. Tell him you’re paranoid and you might need to go off for a bit and be a bit weird but that you don’t love him any less and all you want most in the world is for him to work things out so you can get back to yourselves again.
You can’t help him if you won’t help yourself.
As for here, vent like a venty thing, we’re all here to help you x
I’m sorry to hear about your fears and worries for H. All I can suggest is a couple of websites: http://www.carolinecarr.com (the woman wrote a book about living with someone with depression) and http://www.thelittleblackdog.blogspot.com (a lady who is currently battling with depression – read her first post). I also talked to a friend who lived with someone with depression for years – her advice/comments: you cannot make someone happy and there is nothing you can do to help (unless they take positive steps to help themselves), and you didn’t cause the problem. Pretty stern stuff, I know. However, I think you are doing the right thing by venting, taking time out to cry, scream, etc. and please don’t beat yourself up…take care. x
im not going to be much help either but my hugs are on offer to. I look forward to an update
x
It’s so hard. Sometimes I feel like the act of “trying to be strong” somehow negates any feeling of actual strength. Because what you’re actually saying to yourself is “I should be stronger than this” and therefore feeling guilty.
Allow yourself to not feel guilty about feeling affected. It is understandable. If you didn’t feel this way when someone so close is going through such a hard time it would be strange.
I don’t know what the answer is. I do know that you must remember to take care of yourself. You being there for him is a good thing, it isn’t fair to torture yourself with guilt and questions. Also, yes, I agree, talk to him. Because he is doing the same guilt battles as you are. You’re in this together, I think.
Massive hugs. xxx
Bipolar disorder usually develops in one’s 20s. It is considered partially hereditary, usually on the mother’s side. He had the predisposition toward it and highly stressful events, not a relationship, may have brought it about. Relationships are considered a support, not a stressor.
The only effect you might have had was to be a predictable and stable person against which he compared his unpredictable mood instability. This may have caused him to realize something was wrong.
I would agree with much of what has been written. The little nudge I would like to add is… keep writing, keep writing. You are obviously good at it, and it’s therapeutic for you and I know from experience how unbelievably cathartic it can be, to get it out of you and onto paper.
Good luck. Depression is awful, so hard to deal with, in oneself or others.
Livvy