I am worried about someone I love.
It seems as if they have a black cloud hanging over them and I don’t know how to make it go away. They hate their job. They hate themselves. They can’t seem to make sense of anything. I sit on the periphery of their life, looking in, desperate to help but unable to find the words, do the actions, which might help.
I’m sitting here at work on the brink of tears thinking about it. All I want to do is tell this person that it’ll all be ok and that we can work together to sort it all out. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how we can work it out if they don’t know how to work it out.
The cloud comes suddenly. One moment, everything seems ok, and all seems well. Then, out of nowhere, it descends, blocking out all sense and sunshine, making even the simplest of decisions insurmountable.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to turn to. I want to make it all go away. Hiding it under a coat of veneer won’t help but I’m scared. I’m scared that they’ll give in. That they’ll drown in this feeling.
Why can’t I make it better?
It’s so frustrating when someone you love is feeling shit and you can’t do anything about it. Cheese fest but the best thing you can do is just be there for them and let them know you’re there to listen and chat when they need to.
On Friday at the funeral I had a similar situation, I felt so sad for the daughter of the woman who died who was devestated, but when I tried to think of something to say, I couldn’t find the right words. I ended up asking her how her horse was and giving her a hug, and offering my ear if she ever needs to talk. Other than that I was absolutely stuck for anything I could do. It’s an awful feeling.
Please, please don’t start to hold yourself responsible for his/her happiness. That’s a slippery slope, my friend. You cannot make it better. That can only come from the fight within. You CAN, however, be there and that counts for PLENTY. Please see above comment. It contains all the truth you’ll need.
I have a friend under a similar cloud and know how impotent I feel. But I am honoured that they fele they can talk to be about how they are feeling and let me be there for them. Sometimes a hug can say more then all the words that are spinning around at the back of your mind. Be strong.
All you can do is make sure they know you are there, even if you can’t help practically you will be able to help emotionally.
Make sure you have someone to talk to as well, you’ll do them no good if you can’t get past how it makes you feel too.
much love
L x
I have this problem. When I get up in the morning, I don’t know who will be going into work: me, or the cloud.
I’m aware that that’s not always easy on my friends, because they don’t know who’s going to be in the staffroom when they show up. And it’s true – you can’t make your friend happy. Logically, I believe my friends when they try to help, but logically believing them doesn’t translate to anything that actually helps. Just be patient: when I came out of the fog the last time, my friends were no longer my friends. And that’s really all you can do: still be there when they come out, no matter how bad they were when they were under. Because in the same way that you can’t make them happy, you can’t cause their fogs either.
It’s a hard balance to strike, between taking responsibility and not walking away, because sticking around when you can’t fix it is damn hard. But the fact that you’re willing to try makes you stronger than most of my friends are. Good luck!
I think sometimes people just need support. We can’t always make it better. That person has to want help before you can help.
@freeandflawed – absolutely correct. Like you Nutty, I have a pal or two under dark storm clouds. One of whom pops back into the cloud all too quickly after surfacing with a smile for a little while. It breaks my heart to see it, someone with so much potential holding themselves back by their own demons. Where F&F is correct is…the last time said friend got into a storm cloud I volunteered lots and lots of help until it was all I could think about (also unhealthy!). I couldn’t understand why she was resisting all the help that we were all giving/offering – not just me, a whole group of people. And all she did was get angry!
Then it dawned on me – she never asked for help. She just wanted us to understanding, to listen, to be there for her. So that’s it – Hookerbaby just confirmed it to – all you have to do, is be there. Good luck! You sound like a good friend…
All – thank you for your advice and support. My friend is going to the doctor today. A small step in a long journey. I take on board all comments about me not being able to make it all go away but I have made them aware that however they decide to move forward and whatever they do, I’m there to support them.
Well done, that’s all you can do sometimes. I wish them all the luck in the world.
That is the perfect response, I am absolutely sure of it. I think something along the lines of “well, I think you’re wonderful, always have, always will” is just good to hear.
It’s so hard to truly, truly know that you cannot make it better, as the friend/partner/sibling etc. But the problem is when someone is feeling like that they often feel guilt as well for making people around them worry. Which adds to the whole thing.
The best thing for your friend to realize is that it’s ok to feel like this, that nobody thinks any less of them or thinks they’re weak. He/she needs to do the right thing by him/herself and having such a supportive friend in you is going to make a huge difference.
I know you can’t make it better, but I would bet my life that just you being there is helping more than you will ever know.
Nutty – just reading and thinking, you might find it useful to have a look at these blogs to understand more about your friend’s situation:
http://reluctantmemsahib.wordpress.com/ – her post today
http://exmoorjane.blogspot.com/2008/03/black-dog-red-dog-yellow-dog-blue.html
I’m late to the party, but I’ve been that girl for several months now, and the best my friends can do is hold me while I cry, and it makes all the difference.
You absolutely cannot take this personally. Your friend is going through something that you cannot always help with and it’s not a reflection of your abilities to help brighten their day. Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do and they have to help themselves. But be there for him/her and let them know you are there if they need you. They have to do the rest.
Mud – thank you for those. Great reads… very useful.
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