As recently as 20 years ago, living with a partner (urg, hate that word… can I just use boyfriend and be done with it? You know what I mean) boyfriend before marriage was not The Done Thing. Now, it seems to be more of a norm. Whatever it is that governs our social mores has moved with the times and living together is more acceptable. According to random statistics on the internet:
four times as many people in this age-group [twenty and thirty-something] now choose to co-habit rather than get hitched, compared with ten years ago.
Nowadays, even the Queen approves.
I am one of those “twenty somethings”. N and I have been living together for three years. It’s never occured to me that we wouldn’t. We love each other. We have fun together. Why wouldn’t we want to spend our time together? (ok, maybe let’s not answer that question…!)
I see co-habiting (another evil word) as merely a precursor to getting married. A “try before you buy” scheme.
But what if living together was still taboo? Imagine the shock one would get in the first week of wedded bliss when you realised* that
- try as they might, men will never be able to understand the concept of loo seat up/loo seat down
- you will still be expected to do the washing and ironing, the cooking and general tidying no matter how busy you’ve been at work. Oh, and if the man in question has to put away a couple of plates, he’ll then complain that he does all the housework
- cutting toenails and leaving them in the bath is acceptable
- wearing the same pair of underwear for three days is hygenic. Honestly
- eau de sweaty man will become a permanent fixure in the house
- if you’re cooking, make sure it’s man size (ie more than it would take to feed a small developing country)
- the “floordrobe” is a perfectly viable place to keep your clothes
Of course, on the flip side (she says, stealing the odd phrase from her American chums) the men in ours lives would be equally distraught to find out that
- before (most) women look half decent in the morning it takes time. And skill. And hogging of the bathroom
- all of us (without exception) love some form of trashy tv that you will hate. And be forced to watch. And understand. And discuss
- we don’t really understand what it is you do. We nod and smile and hope you’ll stop talking
- sometimes we just can’t be arsed to have sex
- or cook
- or clean
What do you think? Better to have the surprise of living with someone for the first time in the knowledge that you’re going to have to put up with it for the rest of your life or would you rather know what you’re getting yourself into?
* These handy tips are gleaned from years of living with men in various forms, friends, lovers, housemates. I’m lucky with N - I don’t think he does any of the above. Well, maybe one or two.
Oh, how times have changed.
Having lived with my boyfriend now for about eight months, I cannot fathom how anyone can stand to get married without knowing what it’s like to live together. Maybe the honeymoon bliss carries you through the stuff times of learning to live in the same place, but the couples I know who have co-habitated first then married seem to be happier in the long run.
You definitely have to live with the person first, not just to find out whose the worst at cleaning, but to see if you can adapt your lives to fit in with each other.
I have yet to move in with the boyfriend, I think it will be a while yet as we’re both keen to experience being young and living with friends etc before jumping in. After all, we’ve got years to come for all that arguing about cleaning lark.
I’ve lived with the boyfriend for about three years, now. Personally, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with “cohabitating” before or instead of marriage. If anything, I think it should be mandatory before marriage to live with your partner for at least six months before taking the plunge. Not only do you learn more about the other person’s habits, good or bad, but you learn more about yourself and your relationship by spending all this time together.
Initially, I was outraged that you would reduce us men to mere stereotypes. Then I reread your bullet points and was forced to admit to myself that many of them are spot on. And then you gave the same slanderous treatment to women. Touché!
I would absolutely have to live with my mate before we get married. Maybe we would have to be engaged but I’m a product of divorce so I’m absolutely taking it for a test drive.
for me…the chance would be a fine thing!
I have friends who are getting married next June and haven’t lived together yet…although they’re hoping to buy a house by next March!
Oh man, even worse: can you imagine if sex was still not done before marriage?
You’d get hom only to realize that your new wife or husband was terrible in bed….
While researching my Part I Dissertation last year (“Stay Young and Beautiful if You Want to Be Loved: How far did feminism affect female body image in Britain 1955-80?”), I came across a survey done by a man called Garnet (I think, long time ago!) in the 1950s. This survey was taken by about 6000 people all over Britain, all ages, all classes, about every aspect of their lives, including sex. Interestingly, many more people were in favour of sex before marriage than is popularly believed, many of the respondents saying things like, “If only I’d known what to expect my wedding night would have been less of a disaster” or “I think if we’d known what we were doing our marriage would have succeeded”.
And yeah, I definitely agree that you should live with someone before getting married, if at all possible, or at least know them really really well (and possibly have the patience of a saint). Just in case. If you can still love someone despite their faults, you know it’s going to last.
I’m for cohabitation. I have looked into some studies on this and apparently shacking up varies by age – those in their 20s usually do it as a precursor to marriage, those in their 30s-40s often do it as an alternative to marriage. But I am in my early 40s, I’m halfway shacking up with my current boyfriend and I’m thinking about marriage.
I lived with a prior boyfriend a year and a half ago (out of logistical convenience, not seriousness) and found out he had a significant drinking problem and an apparent domestic violence issue. Usually I am good at sniffing those things out up front and getting out, but this guy had me fooled. As a result, I recommend it highly.
Deutlich – I think this is a good thing though. At least we don’t have to wear corsets anymore (although it might give me a nice figure?)
Modern Gal – I think the honeymoon bliss carried you so far and then the realisation that you couldn’t really get divorced probably lasted you another 30.
Jo – Good plan I think Jo. Besides, what better than spending a couple of years arguing about cleaning with your friends. This means by the time you take the plunge you’ve practiced your arguments and are word perfect
Hi JB – thanks for stopping by. I also think one of the lovely things about living together is the time you get “off”. A night in on your own watching trash is a blessed thing sometimes.
UB – I might give men a hard time but women aren’t perfect either… I think I could have added more
Jessica – sounds wise. My parents are still together and they got engaged within about 3 days (but that’s another story) I love the fact that they can cope with each other after however many years!
LizSara – at the risk of sounding like old aunt Mildred… your time will come. Don’t rush into anything.
Hookerbaby – hi. But, if there was no sex before marriage then neither of you would be any good (having not done it before). You could then take the chance to learn together. That would be quite nice. I don’t think it would be all bad but you’re right, I wouldn’t advocate bringing it back!
Hey Semaphore – What an interesting dissertation! I did mine on Oscar Wilde and pederasts… not so fun! Luckily for me, I still love N, in spite of (or indeed because of?) his faults.
Hello D – lovely to see you… have been slack at commenting on your blog but only because it doesn’t seem to be working for me at the moment
I don’t think it matters what age you live with someone/marry someone. Hell, whatever makes you happy 