The earth was young. God was pottering around having a bit of fun. You know, making things with sticky back plastic and empty loo rolls*.
Anyway, it was a Wednesday and God had just created the earth and sea. It was late afternoon, God looked over his new playground and thought to himself “darling, it ‘s just so bleugh. We need more. I’m thinking colour, I’m thinking texture, I’m thinking a whole lot of this” (while he was thinking this, please imagine God waving his arms about in a designer type manner – thank you)
And so God decided to create some trees. Hoorah! Trees! Everyone likes trees.
He created small ones, he made big ones. Some had flowers, some had nuts. Some were just weird and even God was unsure on their purpose. And finally, right by that pond which is just to the left of that bush, God created the Baobab.
As the baobab grew up, he looked in awe at the plants and trees around him. They were tall, they were strong. They had beautiful flowers and rich purfume. He thought to himself “hey, since God made me last, I must be pretty damn hot”
So the baobab grew up with a little bit of an ego issue.
It was a hot summer’s day and the baobab was preening himself by the pond (baobab’s can’t walk very far). He was just shaking out his flowers when suddenly, he noticed his reflection in the water. And there he was. He wasn’t beautiful at all. He had poncy little leaves, hardly any flowers and man, did he need some moisturiser on his bark.
“Oi, God!” he shouted up toward the heavens
Silence
“God, I’m talking to you dammit”
He heard the sound of a Godly being getting out of bed and putting on his dressing gown.
A mildly hungover God said: Yes? What is it? Do you know what time it is by the way. It’s almost still nighttime.
The tree laughed, bitterly “Look, oh heavenly one, if you hadn’t been up all night playing chess with that chap in red then you wouldn’t be feeling so shit, would you? I’ve got a bone to pick with you. When you created me (thanks very much by the way) I thought I’d be hot. You know, flowers, fruit, maybe a dash of eau de cologne? And what do I see? Wrinkly skin, that’s what I see. Piddly flowers. What kind of a look is that for a chap? I need a makeover. I want some queer eye for straight tree guys down here now. Do you hear me?”
God did hear him. God heard him too well.
God reached down and grabbed the baobab by the trunk. Spinning the tree round, God replanted it. Upside down.
God went back to bed feeling pleased with himself. “That’ll shut him up” God thought.
*Non-uk readers probably won’t get the reference here. It’s all to do with Blue Peter, a kid’s programme on the BBC for the last, I don’t know, million years. Anyway, everyday they show you how to make something. Most of the time it involves sticky back plastic and empty loo rolls. Egg boxes are also a favourite.
I’m surprised God didn’t say “Here’s one I made earlier”!
Ahhh, the legend of the baobab. Not related to the legend of the maoam, the chewy fruit flavoured sweets, i take it.
Brilliant. Baobab trees are cool! I’m a few posts late with this but welcome back! xx
Fab story. Good to have you back.
You stole this of Wikipedia didn’t you.
Expat Mum – he was thinking about it (he told me) but then decided it was too cliche so settled for “Kabooooom” instead. Probably.
Jo – Not directly no, but they do have a couple of distant cousins in common.
Leonie – Thank you. Better a couple of posts late than never coming back to see me again.
Edward – You’re too kind. You’re just angling for a bigger “thank you for looking after my blog” present, aren’t you.
Robbie – My life is stolen off Wikipedia. No, actually, not stolen. Scary as it may seem, I made this rubbish up myself (while basing it on an *actual* legend)