LizSara gave me this slightly unlikely post title to write about. And so… here I am.
It occurs to me that “Why men think like rabbits and women stroke them” would be an excellent name for a Sex and the City style self-help book.
In it, Chuck (they’re always called something like Chuck) would earnestly explain to a dewy-eyed reader that all men are inherently wonderful and the only reason the relationship isn’t working is because all women are wrong. All the time.
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CHAPTER FOUR: YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT
Hank and Charlene have lived together for seven years.
Charlene used to be pretty but now spends her time teasing her bleached blonde hair into French twists and buying tupperware.
Hank has an expanding waist and a penchant for lettuce.
They used to have the perfect relationship. He used to by her 24 ‘carrot’ diamond rings. She used to give him blowjobs on a regular basis. Lately Charlene has been feeling that Hank would rather potter round the garden than spend anytime with her.
“Hank, honey bunny, do you love me?” whines Charlene. Hank creases his nose, farts and goes back to sleep.
What’s going on? Why has this perfect relationship gone to the dogs?
It’s all about self-actualization people. Charlene needs to take her hands off the hot stove and think about what Hank wants in life. He’s a wonderful man. She’s not treating him right.
Men are biologically wired to breed like rabbits. Women are biologically wired to be clean the hutch and prepare the salad.
If you want your man to love you, you have to do what they want. All the time. At the moment, you’re going about it the wrong way. Don’t question him, stroke him. Don’t argue, cook. Feel like shouting? Why not clean instead?
Here are a couple of handy hints from me, Chuck, lover extraordinaire.
1. Feed them carrots (men love the sweet stuff)
2. Stoke their nose (and pull their ears)
3. Don’t introduce them to dogs (if you want them to love you, introduce them to your pretty friends and don’t be annoyed when they sleep with them. Men are programmed to breed remember)
4. Clean their hutch (buy everything for them, whenever they want it. Make sure their house is clean and tidy at all times. Think about women in the 1950s – they never lost their man, did they?)
—-
Yes, I rather think I could write a self-help book.
Do you feel better? I do.
I understand completely. Now the reason i am still a single girl becomes clear in my eyes.
Thank you oh wise one
Please tell me this is a joke.
If by some strange chance it is not, I’d like to find the idiot who wrote this and smack him a few times. With a brick.
LizSara – I’m glad you have bowed down to the wonder of my advice. Act as I suggest and you will have hordes of men, vying for your attention.
F&F – er… it was a joke
However, if I ever meet a man called Chuck, I’m liable to want smack him too.
ugh
*runs for the hills with large vibrator and a book*
I think all that advice is perfectly accurate. It’s how I live my life. I give thanks every day to people like Chuck, who cut through all this “political-correctness” craziness and tell it like it is.
peach – vibrator and a book. The perfect picnic!
leonie – you’re so right. If only more women were like you
Typical alpha male thoughts. Most of the women in the world would be horrified if they really knew what their man wanted from them. Alpha’s have learned to hide their more robust desires. Women rule the world by their mating selections. Women choose the alpha male. That which has allowed us to survive from the stone age, (women mating with the physically and emotionally powerful alpha), is the very thing that will destroy us. Alpha’s tend to fight for power. If you get a whole world of alpha’s (due to selective breeding), there will be nothing but fighting. We now have the ability to wipe out all life on this planet thanks to the alpha wars and their continued use of weaker more intelligent males and even females. It is only a matter of time before the human race is extinct. What makes you, breaks you. This is my quote and it is absolutely true. You women may be disgusted by this post, but the odds are good that you are or will be, the mother of a child fathered by a man who thinks very similar to what was posted here. Oh the irony.
Good post, fannnnnny.