Parlez-vous moo?

Originally posted 27th April 2004

DISCLAIMER: Posted for purely historical reasons - not how I’m feeling now

It’s been another one of those days.

One of those down days. I hope to god these don’t become a habit because I don’t think I could handle it. Where do I start (please bear with me - this is one of those times when I actually feel like writing a near on essay)

Work. I am still not hitting my targets. I am not sure why. I have an inkling. It’s probably because I am spending too much time faffing around and not enough time calling people, talking to people, finding people. Why do I spend my time faffing though? Do I think that I might “miss out” if I don’t join in the banter? Do I think that people might not like me if I don’t mess around and have a bit of fun. Yes. Probably. So what do I do about it. I say sod it. If people don’t like me because I want to get ahead then that must be their problem. Isn’t it?

I am getting to the stage that I am thinking what I am going to do when, not if, I get sacked. Every day I live in fear that my boss is going to turn around to me and say “can I have a word?” and that she will take me into the corridor and say “look, it’s really not working out is it?” and I will have to agree and I will have to leave. And I don’t want to. I love the company. The work is hard (boy is it) but I really want to succeed at it. I want to do well, I want the promotion and I want the money. The thing is, there is another guy who started at the same time as me and he is doing about the same as me (as far as I can tell) and yet, I don’t see him getting as stressed as me, I don’t see him getting the same amount of hassle as me. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe I am getting the hassle because they know that I have promise and that I could be doing well at this game if ********** happens. What do the stars stand for? I don’t know. I am wracking my brains wondering … what is it? What makes me fail and yet everyone else seems to be doing ok?

This job. It is theoretically everything I need out of a job. It is a work hard/play hard job. You must succeed otherwise you’re out. That I like. Correction. That is what I thought I liked. But somehow, since I am not doing it well it must mean that I don’t like it. But then I think, if I didn’t like it why haven’t I quit. The answer? I am not a quitter. I don’t do giving up. Be it work, be it men, be it just life. I left my last job. I didn’t want to, I wanted to fight, I wanted to tell the bastard people who screwed me over that actually, I was damn good at my job and they could stuff it. I didn’t have the chance. It came down to… what is more important? Me proving a point and possibly failing or me taking the moral high ground and trying to land them in the shit. I look the latter.

So back to the original question. What am I going to do to make this work again. I know I said it in a post down the way - I have to get my arse into gear. Why haven’t I done this yet? *sigh*

Next problem. The eternal men question. Why do I let them get at me? Why do I care if I have a man. I can live without. I have done countless months and years before and it’s not been a problem.

Actually sod that, I don’t think the men thing is the problem. They don’t bother me. I think the problem is that I’m lonely. I have work chums. Fine. I have a couple of other random friends but I don’t really feel like I have settled into a solid peer group yet. I don’t have people calling me saying “hey let’s go and …” it is always me who makes the running. I call them. I organise things. I beg to join in their plans. If I didn’t then every bloody weekend would be spent as it was last weekend. On my own, doing my own thing. I don’t mind that once in a while but it can get a little…. wearing.

Totally lost my train of thought now. Apologies.

Thanks for the distractions today Mr T

EDIT 12.05.08 Erm… everyone does realise that I just reposted this because I thought it was interesting… not because I was actually feeling this way. *sigh* what must you think of me!