Frangation

You’ve heard of being hangry, haven’t you? That devilish occurrence of hunger making you angry and irritable?

Well I’m FRangry. Frustrated and angry.

“Why?” you ask. Hang on to your hats, dear readers, and I will explain (read: rant)

I have 12 days left in this job. 12 days before I get to walk out of this behemoth of an office and not have to come back unless it’s under my own terms. (For the avoidance of doubt, my own terms include lunch with former colleagues, in my capacity as a consultant, or to do photocopying – ok, maybe not the last one). 12 days.

Bearing that in mind, you’d think that my current emotions would be oscillating between ecstatic and oh-my-god thrilled.

Not the case.

I’m bored, angry, frustrated, jaded, cynical, bitchy, depressed. I have nothing to do, and no desire to find myself work to do (12 days people!) and so I sit here day in, day out, getting bored. Boredom leads to anger and frustration. Why wouldn’t someone give me some work to do! Do I have to put up with 12 days of this? This, in turn, leads to cynicism and a jaded outlook on my colleagues and the work I’ve spent the last 8 years doing. Well obviously they’re not giving me anything to do. I only have 12 days left here. It’s not like they need to get me to do a handover or anything, they don’t think the job I’ve been doing needs one. But maybe I should do a handover anyway? Naaa, why bother, they won’t use it. It’ll just sit somewhere, gathering metaphorical dust.

This attitude leads me to bitchiness. I pick at everything around me. I refuse to be enthusiastic about projects, about my colleague’s work. I sit, sulking at my desk. And that leads me feel depressed. I berate myself constantly for not being me. For not knuckling down and getting on with things. For  being so lazy. For slacking off. For not.

And it’s a perpetual spiral of frangriness.

And I’m fed up of it.

12 more days.

 

 

Posted in a cry for help, how i'm feeling, stuff i haven't done, stuff i've done | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Settling – the follow up

I’m not good at having “the chat”. It freaks me out a little. It means that I have to be open with my emotions – something I’ve always struggled with. But I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I needed to be open and honest and fair. To both of us.

“I wanted to talk to you about this and what’s happening and what you see happening” I faltered. (Strong start)

He looked at me. I looked down.

“It’s just, when I go away, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Going away. I want to be completely selfish and not think about anyone but what I want to do. I don’t want to have to think about someone back here. I don’t want someone waiting for me.”

I’m not used to having “the chat” with someone so mature, understanding and rational. I’m not used to the lack of histrionics or confusion or general sense of uninterest that I got from ex boyfriends. (I’m guessing this is his Swiss-ness).

He knew from our first date that I was leaving. He has his own baggage to deal with. He understands my need to escape. He wishes he could do the same.

And since “the chat” what’s happened? We’ve seen each other more and more. And I’m realising how kind and considerate he is. I’m realising how silly he is and how he makes me laugh. I’m realising how affectionate he is. I’m realising that he makes me happy. I’m realising that I want my friends to meet him.

And so that, I suppose is that. Is he my boyfriend? Yes, I suppose he is. What will happen when I leave? I have no idea. What will happen when I come back? I have no idea.

Am I settling? I have no idea.

Am I enjoying myself? Yes.

 

Posted in love 'n' things, lovely men | Tagged | 1 Comment