Speaking from experience

It never really occurred to me that I was an  expert at anything. I’m pretty good at my job, I’m pretty good at knowing the newest places in town to go out, I’m pretty good at being a friend. But expert. No.

I have a friend who’s been having a tough time recently. I’ve known him for years. Since 2009 in fact. I’ve never met him. I don’t know his real name (and, although he’s told me, I refuse to think of him as anything but the fake name I have). We’ve been talking a lot about his current marital situation, his depression, the effect the former has on the latter and vice versa.

In the middle of exchange he asked me a question and I answered “I don’t know, I’ve never suffered from depression. I’ve only lived with a guy who had it though”. His interest was immediate. How did it make me feel? Was it difficult to live with? What would have made it easier? Is the relationship worth working on?

And it hit me. I’m not an expert in much, but I’m pretty damn good at knowing what it’s like to live with someone with depression. In order to help my friend, I found some of the posts I wrote at the time – when I was coming to terms with it, when I left and why.

I thought, for ease of reference, I’d put them all together here in an anthology for people to do with what they will.


Depression can affect anyone. It doesn’t discriminate and it doesn’t target. It isn’t a disease which only affects one person. There are many brilliant charities around the world to help those with depression or those with loved ones with depression.

If you have concerns, however small, contact them. Don’t keep depression silent.





Posted in a cry for help, blast from the past, look at me, love 'n' things, trying to be serious | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The third way

It turns out there is no third way.

There is only one way. To end it.

So I did. Last night.

I tried to put on a brave face for book club but red eyes gave it away. I tried to brush it off and pretend it was ok, and that I didn’t need to talk about it, but sudden disappearances from the table said otherwise. I rejected offers of talking it through. I repelled proffered hugs and sympathy. I retreated into the bunker I’ve built for myself. I put on a front, and forced a smile.

There was no third way. There was only one way. And it hurts like hell.

Posted in a cry for help, ask me about me, how i'm feeling, love 'n' things, lovely men | Tagged | 6 Comments