I’m not good at having “the chat”. It freaks me out a little. It means that I have to be open with my emotions – something I’ve always struggled with. But I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I needed to be open and honest and fair. To both of us.
“I wanted to talk to you about this and what’s happening and what you see happening” I faltered. (Strong start)
He looked at me. I looked down.
“It’s just, when I go away, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Going away. I want to be completely selfish and not think about anyone but what I want to do. I don’t want to have to think about someone back here. I don’t want someone waiting for me.”
I’m not used to having “the chat” with someone so mature, understanding and rational. I’m not used to the lack of histrionics or confusion or general sense of uninterest that I got from ex boyfriends. (I’m guessing this is his Swiss-ness).
He knew from our first date that I was leaving. He has his own baggage to deal with. He understands my need to escape. He wishes he could do the same.
And since “the chat” what’s happened? We’ve seen each other more and more. And I’m realising how kind and considerate he is. I’m realising how silly he is and how he makes me laugh. I’m realising how affectionate he is. I’m realising that he makes me happy. I’m realising that I want my friends to meet him.
And so that, I suppose is that. Is he my boyfriend? Yes, I suppose he is. What will happen when I leave? I have no idea. What will happen when I come back? I have no idea.
Am I settling? I have no idea.
Am I enjoying myself? Yes.