Gosh the French language is wonderful. Ennui. A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest.
That’s how I’m feeling. I’m feeling like everything is just too much of an effort. I’m feeling as if anything I do won’t reap any reward. I’ve stopped trying.
Since I came back from holiday (and maybe even before?) I’ve hidden myself away. I haven’t contacted my friends, I haven’t gone out. I’ve stopped trying.
“Do you think you’re depressed?” I’m asked in my coaching session today.
I think back to the N days, and how I saw him. Am I like that? Is that how I’m feeling? Does this despondency rule my life? Can I snap out of it, as I mentally implored him to? And why am I feeling like this? Why do I feel so disconnected? Why do I feel that I have ceased to exist? It can’t still be the ache I feel over what might have been with Swissie?
(Honestly, that feeling has to stop. It was never going to happen. And yes, I know he was the first person I connected with properly since N, and yes, he was funny and intelligent and all the things I thought I wanted. But it was never going to happen.)
What is it that’s making me feel like this?
Work is disruptive at the moment. I have my 6th boss in 5 years. Team members are leaving, moving on to better things. It makes me realise that I’m still stuck here. Stuck in a job that fundamentally bores me, has long ceased challenging me, and that I don’t believe in. I’ve become scared to make the next step. I’ve become scared to take a risk. It’s too easy just to stay here, comfy, well paid, bored. I’ve stopped trying.
“If you were offered something else today, outside of this company, what would make you stay here?”
I am so unengaged, so distanced, so removed from this company and from the work I’m doing that I’ve ceased to understand the value I add. If I weren’t here, would I be missed, or would the business churn carry on much as before (albeit without someone who knows their way round the online filing system). On the flip side, I’m so scared, so unsure of myself, and so worried about failing that I stay here. Rooted to the spot.
This is not a good situation to be in.
It’s not good to be in a situation where you’re sitting in an office, crying, mascara everywhere, trying to work out why it is you’re feeling like this and why you’re so scared to make a change.
But a change must be made.
And, I suppose, if the first step is admitting it (check!), then the second step is to clamber over the wall of inertia surrounding you. I may fall back into this pit a few times and I don’t think it will be easy but I can’t, won’t, continue feeling like this.
The change has to be me.